W4M Advice from a Man’s Perspective

Let’s start with the obvious, dating is thoroughly confusing, to both sexes. It’s an awkward dance between people who don’t know each other, who are both lying about nearly everything to look good, and the chances of offending the other person is 1298 times more likely than in normal encounters. It can seem pretty amazing then, that anyone actually gets to third base.

Of course there’s many reasons people want to be in a relationship, namely sex. Likewise, there are other ancillary benefits, like having a 50% chance of not dying alone. If you’re lucky, you might actually have a fun, long-term friendship, that could be described as the longest running inside joke in your life.

This should be pretty simple then, find someone reasonably attractive, convince them you aren’t a murderer, discover some shared goals with a series of embarrassing adventures, and hopefully enjoy the same kinds of video games, before wearing out your pelvic joints.

Not that any of those things are easy, some of them take a really long time, don’t force it.

Equals in name only

There’s often very fundamental differences between couples, like their religion of birth, their association with disparate gangs, and even whether one partner prefers to sleep with socks on. Sometimes you don’t discover what you even want, until long after you’ve discovered what your partner wants, which might cause you to be less principled than you ought to. This will all come back to haunt you later. What can seem cute for the first 3 weeks, could seem like a mosquito trapped in your ear after 3 years.

And that’s just the basis of the union. We haven’t even gotten to external influences, like women’s magazines. All those trashy, soulless, vultures of popular culture, preying on people’s insecurities, making them feel inferior. They have Top X lists about nearly everything, Top 7 ways to be attractive to every man in the universe, Top 13 ways you can manipulate someone to love your craziness, Top 4 ways you can tell if your partner is cheating on you, Top 17 signs he’s just not that into your baseless suspicions, and so on.

It’s like psychological warfare, and you don’t even realize what it’s doing to your expectations.

Another side of this misdirection, or bait and switch, is feminism. That deceptively appealing ideal, that women are equal to men in all ways, but quickly extends to the notion, that women can do anything which can men do, and women can be anything that men are. Both of these notions are false.

Men and women are entirely different, it’s time to embrace that. That means we don’t castrate men for being macho, and we don’t ridicule women who want to be stay-at-home moms. Realistically, we won’t employ women to operate jackhammers, nor are straight men terribly ideal to sell women’s clothing. Equality isn’t about sameness, just that we’re equally valuable in the abstract sense.

The #HeForShe movement is on the right track here.

Online dating/hookups

As someone who’s been on several adult dating sites, I have some knowledge in this area. I have spoken to many women, some of whom I’ve met in real life, and several that I’ve had sexual relations with. Some of those very women, are still friends to this day, while others are merely Facebook friends. Maybe I’ve been lucky to have amicable partings, maybe it wasn’t luck at all.

I find there are some distinct advantages to online dating, or attempting to date let’s say. The first being that you have a good idea what a person is looking for, and hopefully have an idea of their marital status prior to trying. The second is an icebreaker, assuming they bothered to include something meaningful in their profile, just like you did right? Then to a smaller extent, the people who post many photos are allowing you to get a feel for how they live, and how popular they are. Any of these can be deceptive, but it’s better than starting with nothing.

What about the people that post a picture, and nothing else, is that laziness, or is it because they are nervous? I’ve seen so many profiles that say “If you like what you see, hit me up!” as if that’s all that matters. C’mon people, everyone needs something to go on, at least say something, even if it’s about your love of professional hamster races. Not having a photo is a deterrent to the super-vain, a bad profile turns off smarter people, stop encouraging shallow behaviour in men.

There are also some drawbacks, and I will blame women here specifically, because men are far less likely do it. The major problem is that it’s literally too easy to ignore someone. You can take a quick glance at an innocuous message, before deciding it wasn’t enough effort for you. Alternately, you might make a judgment about someone’s spelling, and bin their approach before you actually saw past their crappy photo.

Not everyone is an expert at marketing themselves, not everyone is photogenic either, and not everyone spends 40 minutes drafting the perfect initial message, when you likely won’t even acknowledge them. So unless you want the hundreds of emails per day to seem like hungry piranhas, you need to change the way you view them, and possibly change your profile to break the ice. Leave your expectations at the door.

I’ve also spoken to women that I had sent messages to, where I was ignored at first, then on a subsequent attempt to reach them, I received a reply. Which brings us to the next point. People on dating sites aren’t always receptive, just like in real life, but a profile suggests that they are 24/7. The polite thing to do when testing the waters with someone you meet, is to alter your blurb to reflect that, at least give people a heads up that you are ignoring messages for a week.

Women generally read profiles more than men, I think everyone knows that, but this doesn’t mean everyone is typical. I’d say some of the most interesting people to be around, are exactly the ones that don’t follow trends, or colour inside the lines. Show some spunk, write something creative, funny, self-deprecating, and open-ended, that will capture someone’s imagination. One of the most effective ways to connect with someone is humour, show it, and the person sending you a message will likely do the same.

When you do write your profile, don’t make the mistake of focusing on self-evaluation, let others decide that. Almost everyone is harder on themselves than they should be, except narcissists, and militant feminists. Talk about things you’ve done, things you like, things you would like to do. Your bucket list is very revealing of your level of ambition, or insanity.

Aside from that, there’s are a few serious ways to screw up your profile. There are women who seem to think that writing a 300 word legalese blurb about copyrights, is somehow going to stop spammers from stealing their photos, or marketers using them in pamphlets, it won’t. I’ve seen a thousand fake accounts that look pretty convincing at a glance, the bots and spammers making them have some experience to know what works. Instead of using the opportunity to ward off poltergeists, watermark your photos. Then write something meaningful, and unique.

Then comes that famous, all empowering Marilyn Monroe quote. It’s one of the most common phrases you’ll see on profiles, usually paraphrased:

I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

This fabulous line by a sex-symbol back in the chauvinist heydays of Hollywood, can be translated thus:

I’m a bitch, I’m moody, and I’m going to be a pain in your ass. But if you refuse to suffer a life of misery to please me, you don’t deserve my vagina when I’m horny.

And I don’t know any man who thinks that the ideal woman should be difficult to live with. This hard-to-get fantasy is nonsense, it’s outright manipulation, it tugs on heart-strings, and breeds resentment. Not the best formula for long-term success. I’d recommend just being upfront about what you want, and let them figure out whether they want the same things. That gives you something to discuss, instead of judge.

I encourage everyone to reply, even if there is no interest, just to make online dating a better experience for everyone.

The danger of romantic movies, and novels

Perhaps a major issue with middle-class dating, is that there’s a mountain of filmstock devoted to making your relationships seem uninspired. Seeing people with happy, well-functioning relationships on a screen, will always make you think of your own situation, and how you wished you could have that, no matter what you actually have. This also explains why people love watching shows like COPS, and reality TV dramas, where everyone gets screwed, or is screwed up, since it does the exact opposite.

The antiquated forms of courtship, with 12 dates until the first kiss, and a man lobbying for approval from the girl’s father, aren’t even feasible anymore. Not only is western society much more hectic, we’re usually on a tight schedule during the day, when meeting normal people is the easiest. Likewise, with all the constant bombardment of media, advertisements, special events, it puts everyone into a state of urgency. If you take it slow, you’re even more likely to lose the person you fancy, just because you just aren’t keeping up.

Books can also distort the scale of time, it makes hours out of weeks of storyline, a woman can be flirty on page 104, and be married by page 189. Every book can make you wish you had that ideal relationship, and setup these expectations. All those Jane Austin stories have one major flaw, they are set in a time that doesn’t exist, with scenarios that rarely do. We’re talking about people who took 6 months to sail abroad, and most families owned plantations with slaves in foreign lands. They often earned profits or royalties, not worked their ass off like people in Dickens books, which meant a lot of free time.

Expecting these classical forms of romance from a man can also be a stretch. Just like the meaning of chivalry has been reduced to a mere footnote, saving damsels in distress, romance has been altered by every generation. Keep in mind, men don’t read those fanciful stories, they don’t know the most appropriate thing to do in every circumstance. Porn certainly doesn’t teach that part.

It’s sad that patience is no longer a virtue, but short of being wealthy, or famous, that’s the way it is.

The hook, line, and sucker

Once girls grow out of Barbie dolls, and graduate out of training bras, then comes the deluge. That’s the prime time for marketers to indoctrinate a future customer. Pretty soon comes cosmetics, and feminine toiletry supplies. Then comes high fashion, and an abundance of stylish shoes. Then the push to get married, buy a new car, have 2 kids, fall in love, etc. Expectations become a crushing burden.

As you can imagine, marketing to women is big business. Women spend more when they shop, and they will often pay more for the same item that men also need. There’s a huge industry grown up marketing specifically to women in the past 20 years, when corporate execs realized that women are spending more than half of the discretionary income in a household. They can’t exploit families that shop together, so they make sure to set the habit of shopping alone early.

Which brings us back to magazines, and equivalent online publications. All the women focused article titles will be catchy, they are selling readership eyeballs to advertisers after all. They will all appeal to the basic insecurities everyone has, and they will all try to tell you that it’s OK. It’s just that sooth-saying doesn’t help. Once they’ve convinced a girl that they will never live up to anyone elses standards, or that the standard is so exhausting to maintain, that no one would even bother trying, it creates a kind of psychosis. The struggle between feeling empowered, and feeling inadequate must be very taxing.

They are selling the disease and the cure, and the cure is a lifelong prescription. Don’t worry though, maybe the next article will reveal secret insights into why people are blinded by love, and shiny objects! Maybe you’ll learn how not to be like everyone else, and be like everyone else instead!

Just admit it, you won’t find the best relationship advice in the regurgitated pages of tripe. Though there are a few authorities on successes and failures, if you look hard enough.  You might wish to consult, say a dating site. The lessons they have learned from surveys, and data mining are probably less biased.

Here’s one: The top eight reasons men fall out of love.

Learning a trade

Probably the most laughable aspect to all this dating advice aimed at women, at least from a man’s perspective, is that it doesn’t take into account the man’s perspective. Surprise! Probably because they are written by women, for women, many of whom are emancipated feminists, the ones who actually think they are better than men. Or perhaps they just live in a bubble, a microcosm where romance is exactly the way the author thinks it is.

These Top X lists are really insidious too. They are like horoscopes that really add nothing to your life, in one ear, out the other. Yet it’s exactly this fluffiness that makes it appealing. There’s no significant investment of cranial resources to consume it, and aside from a little brainwashing, there’s nothing exceptionally disagreeable.

So let’s look at some of the popular topics, as the articles portray them, and then contrast it with how men view them. This is really the important part, there’s a fantasy to it all, just like romance novels. It’s based around the feelings women have to them, and assumes men have the same reactions. It’s rarely true.

How to Drive Him Crazy – The Hottest and Sexiest Male Orgasm Techniques Finally Revealed to You

This particular article talks about using oral sex, dirty talk, and the women being dominant, or instigating the whole romp. It says these are the hottest techniques, as if they are somehow rare, or abnormal, and not as logic would suggest, part of a fulfilling sex life.

Personally, I like variety, and from the highly scientific research I’ve done on broccoli, I know most men do too. It’s not even a question of boredom, but rather that it isn’t a routine. Routines remind us of jobs, where we sit for hours of monotony, under pressure to perform once in a while. Yes, we can still explode if sufficiently stimulated, but even for a man, a perfunctory orgasm is not fulfilling. Left unresolved, this is a great way to lose a man to a slutty intern, one who makes it exciting and new again.

How To Get A Guy Who Has A Girlfriend

This fantastic article describes the ideal ways to befriend a man, and endear him to your attentions. Starting with looking hot, and giving him gifts. This will no doubt happen if you are patient, men are biological opportunists, but then what? What does happen when he starts to fall for you? Does he throw away his girlfriend amicably, because we know how betrayal plays out, and you live happily ever after? Keep dreaming.

No, there’s one of three possibilities. Either the man has enough willpower to resist your charms, regardless how much they entertain his ego, or libido. The man secretly cheats on his girlfriend, feels terrible about it, and you have to suffer eternal awkwardness thereafter. Or the man actually does ditch his girlfriend, at which point you can be pretty sure he’s untrustworthy, and any serious relationship is fundamentally doomed. I mean, if the guy will cheat once, the second time is a whole lot easier.

How to make a Guy Jealous in Six Easy Steps

Another literary prize winner here. Infidelity may be a step too far, but how about some torture in good fun? This article covers some basic steps to show a man, that you frankly don’t need him. Ignore his calls, and appear to have more fun with everyone but him. Be unreasonably happy, in a way that’s sure to make him realize that he wasn’t the on making you happy. Another perfect recipe for disaster.

What this does, is setup a pattern for later. You make him seem unnecessary to your happiness. This is one of those major taboos in a healthy relationship, especially if your love was intense in the beginning. The very act of pushing the man to be jealous, will either make him assume you’re cheating, or make him want to prove to you, that he doesn’t need you. And if neither of you needs the other person, why are you even together?

Why Do Guys Like Short Girls

Great, it’s not good enough to be tall and skinny, now you have to be short too! If the basic premise of this one is a face-slapper, it should be. In theory, this factoid makes men want you, because instinctively they see you as fragile, and to some extent younger than you are, associating your stature with childhood.

Which is all super, except that you have absolutely no control over your height, at least in the negative direction. Then there’s the issue of proportions, short women can rock smaller T&A while appearing curvy, and you better not get fat, or that gets amplified too.

Sexting? 7 Things You Must Know Before You Hit ‘Send’

This one isn’t so much about dating, as it is about flirting, ideally with someone you plan to hook-up with. It gives some basic security advice, like don’t sext when drunk, and don’t make your compromising positions available to people you don’t trust. Further more, none of the pictures should clearly identify as your body, or face, for good plausible deniability.

We know sexting is becoming more popular by the day. We all know famous actresses had all sorts of besmirching photos leaked, because they do it to. What’s funny in this article, is that the author implies sexting is inherently safe, like sex with a condom. The reality is a little different. The technology that allows engaging in it, also allows abuse of the system. One popular picture sharing phone app used, turned out to be a Trojan horse stealing people’s logins, only to be “hacked” at a later date. How long will your flirtatious affair last if your pictures leak into the wild?

In summary, my advice to women, whether you want to find love, or just some hot man meat to straddle, be honest. Be honest with your intentions, and don’t play mind games that deliberately confuse men, which is all too easy. Men are pretty easy to catch, they aren’t made of strange, misunderstood alloys. We have the same basic needs as everyone else, adoration, respect, shared interests, and cooperation.

However tempting it is to test a man’s affections, to see if they truly care about you, or just your glory hole, be gentle. Men get tested every day, their confidence is built by rising to the challenges, because they are clear. Besides that, you may not want to hear the nuanced answer to your poorly thought out test, which could throw you into a death-spiral of doubt. I’ve seen this spiral, it’s not fun.

Secondly, if you want to be attractive, whatever your size or shape, start with your health. Makeup is a tempting cover to hide under, as is expensive lingerie, but I guarantee, they will see you without it at some point. I’m pretty sure they won’t be happy if the difference is shocking once you take it off. Reveal who you are on day 1, not day 23. Every man evaluates a woman for health and fertility. There’s been times, when I wanted to pull out a razor, and scrape off the layers of pancake makeup on a woman’s face, to see what’s underneath. Seriously, it’s never a good idea.

Also, try not getting stressed or frazzled throughout the day, so that when you do meet, you look like you want to be there, not curled up in a ball at home. Stress makes you look old, and it takes away from your apparent vitality. It subconsciously seems like you can’t handle the chore of living, let alone the chore of marathon sex. But instead of cosmetics, and facials, try getting a good nights sleep. Unless they just want a household pet, like a decorative cat, your focus should be on fitness, not expensive perms. Being energetic, lithe, and flexible, always implies that there’s fun to be had.

Lastly, the often overlooked part of attractiveness is personality, and how that affects people’s impression of you. Being genuinely happy, bubbly, and interested in everything around you, including your partner, makes you attractive. However bland or average you believe you are, bright eyes, and an unfiltered smile, will make all the difference. Do you want a man to notice your shoes, or your eyes?

Remember: A great dress can make any woman look good, a great woman can make any dress look good.